So I was sitting there rocking Drake at 5:30 this morning (his usual wake time since birth). He does sometimes sleep in till 6:30, and yes... daddy gets his share of early mornings too!
Maybe I was tired that my husband was out of town(again), maybe I was feeling sorry for myself that I never get to sleep past 6:30 (except a few times in the past 4 years), maybe I was burnt out on watching my son vomit almost daily (if not twice daily) for over a year, maybe I thought about the fact that I would be changing his diaper for the rest of his life ( even when he's grown and too big to pick-up), maybe I was wondering if the doctors will ever figure out why Drake continues to have episodes of passing out, maybe I was feeling guilty that I'm tired of doing this already... and he's only 4.
Then what came on TV??? It was a commercial about some college or some store selling something to go to college. I don't recall which one, that's not important. It was a beautiful picture of this mom and her son; getting him ready for college, they had gone and bought some goods for his new dorm room, everything matched down to the cool metal trashcan, they were getting new books and moving him into his "new" life. Now I know this was a "picture perfect" scene, I know it was only a commercial, I know that college is expensive (no comparison to the costs of a SN child!!!), I know it always seems greener on the other side... but it still hurt.
I don't quite know why, I know I'll get to experience it with my oldest if that's the route (God willing) he chooses, but I felt sad for Drake (or mostly for me). I felt like I would still be sitting in that same green rocking chair in 14 years from now, rocking an 18 year old man. It sadden me to think he'd never be on his own and that my husband and I would never be "Empty Nester's". It hurt that I thought such depressing things.
When what do you know... the commercial was over, I looked down at that sweet angle pie who was finally asleep. Knowing he is safe in my arms, knowing that he is a happier child today than he was3 1/2 years ago, knowing that he never has to give a thought about being hungry, knowing that in his world "Life is Good", knowing that at any moment this could all come to an end and knowing that one day I will look back on these days and wish I hadn't wished them all away.
So as for today, no one will know the impact some silly commercial had on me. More importantly Drake will never know I had a tough morning with him... at least for today.
3 comments:
Love you girl!!
Wonderful post, Trish. I've felt the same way sometimes...not knowing what the future holds for my D is hard. I usually end up at the same place you did in your rocker, that if he's happy and knows that he's loved and is well taken care of, that's all I really need. Some days it just takes longer than others to get to that point.
I've been wanting to get on here and thank you so much for this, and when i see ya I'm giving you a big old hug too! I think we were sharing brains that week. I'm so thankful to have all of my SN Mommy friends that "get it", and get sad at commercials too. I know all of this is sooo much harder on me than it will ever be for C. He doesn't know anything different. He doesn't know that running and climbing trees and playing with rocks is fun. I'm more sad for him than he will ever think of being. Some days are just easier than others. I try to think that things could always be so much worse, but it's just the grieving over what could've been that gets me sometime.
i didn't realize D gets up so early too. Shoot, we could've been texting one another & griping about how tired we were!! I still think we need a marg. party the first day of school...ha ha ha!!
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